When Jesus calls, eventually you will go. Only after I have been spent on self and near total destruction do I seem to desire Jesus like I should. It seems to be better for me now. Jesus has never left me alone, sometimes it may seem so, but even though I have given Him just about every reason this flesh can come up with, He has always been there. Plenty of times in my life I thought He was done with me, and I was definitely done with Him, I always found myself broken and drawn to Him. He always brought me to the cross and loved me in spite of myself. I learned the power of His grace, only in that place of lonely, empty-handed efforts, to only experience His unconditional love. His mercy endures forever! All this while doing 21 years in prison. I was 22 years old when I went in for manslaughter. So, you can imagine feeling the condemnation I struggled with most of that time with Jesus trying to convince me that I was His.

Sometimes He still has to convince me of His love, but now I’m pretty much in a place that I have experienced enough with Him that I usually know better than to doubt it. There have been plenty of times when I thought I would never, or rather could never, be saved. But His Word and His love shows me different. I’m loved by Him for no other reason than simply and most importantly because He chose me for Himself. I have come to an understanding that He is sovereign, and He has a purpose and a plan for my life. 

When He works “all things together for the good” it means ALL! Every experience I have is all for a purpose and His glory. John 11:25-26 says, “Jesus said to her, I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live, and everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die. Do you believe this?” This soon became my favorite quote of Jesus. The poetry in scripture is beautiful. This is our objective hope in Christ, not just in eternity but now, in this life, as we walk by faith. We have the assurance that when we put our trust in Him and we continually go through life’s circumstances, spent on the weariness of living in this wretched world, there is a life within. He reminds me that when I feel done, spent, and tired of myself it gives Him an opportunity to redirect me back to focus on Him and a better way to be, fixing myself, pointing upwards in His presence, setting my heart on Him and not temporary pleasures of flesh that cause heartache. He gives me just as much grace and mercy as He has shown me all my life because He is faithful, true love.